Detroit: Jan 1, 2023

I spent New Year’s weekend in Detroit, hanging out with very dear and very old friends. We took in Electric Six at The Magic Bag in Ferndale, something I had done several times before. The last time was at least a decade ago, before covid. It was also before Detroit’s latest renaissance.

On January 1, I found myself right downtown with a few hours to kill before catching a train across the river in Canada. Being New Year’s Day, it was quiet. It was also unseasonably warm and very foggy. All these elements factored in to make it an Immersive Detroit experience.

I also had a belly full of American Coney to burn off, so I decided to explore the newly created playground at Woodward and Jefferson.

The new Motown Sound?

It has a rock climbing feature and several stainless steel instruments with mallets attached. I sampled them, created a few notes, and dreamed of a few kids playing here, taking their first steps toward becoming Motown’s next music geniuses.

Spirit of Detroit seen through rock climbing feature and instruments at Woodward and Jefferson.

The Fist is right there too. Here’s a pic with the RenCen in the background, showing how foggy it was that day. At this point the fog had begun to lift a bit! It was a gift from Sports Illustrated to the people of Detroit and The Detroit Institute of Arts. It symbolizes Joe Louis’ fight against Jim Crow (segregation) laws, and points to Canada for a reason.

Hart Plaza

Hart Plaza is right across the street, so I took a deep dive and explored a lovely park that I had been by countless times but never really explored. It was an excellent decision.

The park is part of Detroit Riverwalk, regarded by many as the best in America. The Detroit River has always attracted me. When I lived in Windsor, I used to take a break from my life and sit on a bench near it. It always brought solace. This visit was like old times.

The Gateway to Freedom

The picture at the top of this post is of monument erected to recognize the Underground Railroad. It is entitled The Gateway to Freedom, and it really struck an emotional chord with me. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was the fog, maybe being New Year’s Day, or maybe it was because I was leaving friends who I don’t see nearly often enough. Who knows.

Here I was, enjoying a soulful little piece of The Land of the Free, The Home of the Brave, a place I have been visiting for 35 years, and there is a monument to those who sought freedom across the river, in my country.

These days, the most prominent feature of the Windsor skyline while standing on the Michigan side of the Detroit River is a giant red CASINO sign, which you can see in the top left of the photo at the top. <insert your own joke/witticism here>

The “Edmund Fitzgerald church”

On this day, the tiny icebergs flowing south down the Detroit River struck the metal buoy and made it sound like a bell ever so often. The icebergs seemed to be enjoying themselves by doing so, a bit like kids riding bumper cars.

A couple of hundred yards east was the Mariners’ Church. Years ago, a different bell “chimed 29 times for each man on the Edmund Fitzgerald”^₁.

Mariners’ Church with statue of George Washington and the Detroit/Windsor Tunnel in the background.

Bonus Pic: Michigan Avenue in Dearborn

I had the pleasure of driving along this street a few times on this trip. A few establishments had their building covered with a “blanket of lights”. Here’s just one of many.

¹ ^{Lyric from Gordon Lightfoot’s 1976 song The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. The song made it to #1 in Canada and nearly did the same in the US.}

A Painting by Asa Letourneau

Recently I was approached by acclaimed Australian artist Asa Letourneau. He asked me to share my thoughts on the painting above. I’m always anxious to open my mind and let the words flow, so naturally, I obliged.

I think it could be an anti-science statement, and I applaud that. Being anti-science is a bold move, and art ought to be bold.

Some may think The Twilight Zone or even those Twister movies, but that is far too simple an interpretation.

I see a bull in the middle of a vortex. It is being pulled into what could be a black hole, except in the case the massive anti-matter, super-gravity body is yellow and red. An anti-noir hole, perhaps.

Where are the black scientists?

The use of white space can be seen as a middle finger salute to science. Either that or a way of saying science is far too white. The original Nutty Professor, Carl Sagan, Bill Nye, Einstein, Dr. Strangelove, Stephen Hawking, Dr. Frank N. Furter… …all of ’em white men, with their whiteness serving as the frame and context for how they see the world, and for which they create science.

Now, if you are thinking “Enough of this Whitey on the Moon, stuff!”, check out this historic clip of Venus Flytrap teaching a young brother about the inner workings of atoms.

Also, it certainly needs to be noted that the Mythbusters were 20% female and 20% people of colour, and they did that way before “equality and inclusion” were an unwritten rule.

Is it really an anti-science painting?

But let’s return to my assertion that this could be seen as an anti-science painting. You have a bull in the middle of a “black hole”. I suspect a great artist such as Asa Letourneau is making the bold statement that “black holes are bullshit”.

It is a bold statement, and it is harsh. It is also done with subtlety, and that is the intriguing part. Instead of being crude and putting a #2 emoji inside the black hole, the artist here went with the source of that merde, the bull itself.

olé!

Street Art on Queen Street

I bookended the long weekend of August 2022 with visits to Toronto’s Queen Street. On Friday night I hung out on the east side, and on holiday Monday I was on the Queen West. Queen Street runs all the way across Toronto, from “Roncy” in the west to Victoria Park over in Scarborough.

Queen Street is around 14km / 9 miles long and encompasses countless neighbourhoods and demographics. It is divided in the middle, more or less, by (Neil) Yonge Street. Yonge St. is a bit like Woodward Avenue in Detroit, or Broadway in New York City.

By sheer coincidence I was at or around 500 Queen Street both east and west, a distance of 3.5 km / 2.2 miles. So this post is just a very small piece of the yummy pizza that is Queen Street.

Friday night arrives without a suitcase

I made plans with an old friend I don’t see nearly often enough to check out a suspenseful and thrilling new band called Dean and the Koontz on Friday night. However, due to “supply chain issues” the performance was cancelled. My feelings on the no-go for Dean et al incorporated elements of horror, fantasy, science fiction, mystery, and satire.

As fine Canadians we simply partook of a few beverages on the patio at a fine establishment called Dominion Pub and Kitchen. It is a fine establishment, be sure to pay it a visit if you are in that magical hood. Here’s how it looked to my eyes, or at least to my phone’s eye on that evening.

Queen Street East, Toronto

These pics are taken around Queen and Sumach, Toronto’s Corktown. It seems to have withstood the onslaught of the condo pandemic, for now, so check it out while you can. Here’s The Magic Building:

And just up the street there is this. Apparently a particularly disgruntled Toronto Maple Leafs fan went out of their way to let Leafs Nation know just how disgruntled they are.

Meanwhile, back under Yonge Street

I saw this wonderful bit of vandalism on the subway platform while waiting for my train. The kids are still alright!

Monday, Monday (bah-da bah-da-da-da)

I HATE holiday Mondays, I mean, REALLY hate them. I’d rather work on a Monday than have it off, that is how much I hate holiday Mondays. But I’ve had more than my fill of being cooped up, so I decided to ‘xplore s’more.

Graffiti Alley was calling my name, and the weather was dee-lovely ~ 27.3C / 81F, and not too humid. I decided to go west to check out some street art:

Oh wait, that is The Peterboro in Detroit, **a bit too far west for this post!**

Once upon a time “Queen Street West” was exceptionally cool

Graffiti Alley is just south of Queen Street, and once upon a time “Queen Street West” was exceptionally cool. A bit like Greenwich Village, I suppose. Nowadays it ain’t, but there are still very good reasons for visiting. Graffiti Alley is one, of course, but even before venturing down the unlikely tourist attraction, there is great stuff to check out.

Please allow me to serve these appetizers to ease your grey matter into a full visual assault:

These two were taken just north of Queen Street, both kinda helping to make up the perimeter of a parking lot.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take

NO DUMPING, and if you listen to Max Webster, “No cigarettes, no matches”

So about this Alley you speak of…

A condo being cool?

A nearly completed condo bordering the alley has been pre-emptive and had their service entrance painted so that it is consistent with the hood. This gives a decent idea of how immersive Graffiti Alley an be.

Couple of clowns.

Black and white

Hey, you forgot something!

avant-garde art – here are the tools, imagine your own masterpiece

Hopefully they reschedule that Dean and the Koontz show

I’ll be there like words on a page! In the meantime, here’s what the sky looks like when you are waiting for a northbound streetcar at Spadina and Queen. Notice the corporate pollution and government sanctioned art that is actually quite cool.

Until next time, Happy Gawking.

Major League Barkley (MLB)

The Toronto Blue Jays are so bad right now that it is safe to say that they probably caused a nationwide internet outage on Friday July 8, 2022. I live in Toronto, so I follow Toronto sports teams. I have no choice.

I do not suffer Stockholm Syndrome, so I find the current Jays’ dismay to be quite entertaining.

Let me explain:

The company that owns them owns the media, Canada’s equivalent of the FCC, and just about every national politician of import. As a Canadian, giving money to that massively powerful company is on par with breathing. So long as I am alive, I will be doing it. And being alive is a relative term these days.

Charlie Watts was unavailable so we got…

And as far as the Toronto Blue Jays themselves, I think they have lost 22 of their last 20 games played. That’s not a typo: this over-hyped team has found a way to lose more games than they play. There’s a plaque ready to be hung in Cooperstown.

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day!”

On the day of this writing, the Jays fired their manager, Charlie Montoyo. Montoyo seems like a great guy, and allegedly had bongo drums in his office. That’s pretty cool, but I’m not so sure that being a percussionist for The Rolling Stones was ever a transferrable skill for managing a “professional” sports team.

Exhume Billy Martin?

Chatting with my amigo in the aftermath, I said that the immensely talented players who make up the Blue Jays need a harsh hand, a drill instructor of sorts. My kneejerk reaction was to exhume Billy Martin, but I’m not sure that that technology exists yet, no matter the miracles that ABBA is working over in Europe.

Charles Barkley should be the next skip of the Jays!

I have no idea if Montoyo was ever called Chuck, but thinking of his replacement, and thinking of Billy, my analytics kicked in and I had the idea that Sir Charles himself, Charles Barkley should be the next skip of the Jays.

John Lennon reminded us all to imagine, so just imagine Coach Barkley:

Imagine 50 thousand people all losing their mind by Chuck simply walking out of the dugout
Imagine Barkley arguing a call with the home plate ump
Imagine the post-game press conferences
Imagine the fun

If you are lacking for imagination (the internet age seems to have that effect on people), let me rough sketch a picture:

Prior to a game, Barkley “gets into it” with a mascot. Words, and perhaps more, are exchanged, and Sir Charles must find a new kingdom to rule over for the next 9 innings.

The post-game press conference:

Canadian media flunkie: “Charles, a video has emerged on twitter that seems to clarify what you said to the mascot. Do you recall saying:

“Hey, get off my baselines. Did I say you could be on my baselines? Who you think you are being on my field?”

Sir Charles: “I dunno, the bird was disrespecting me. There’s no place in the game for things like that. I worked too hard to get here to let something like that happen.”

Bring it on, Toronto. Major League Barkley!

Painting with John: Preparation

In a normal year, baseball players would be reporting to spring training right about now. It’s a magical time of year, and I’ve always dreamed about heading down to Lakeland, Florida to see Detroit Tigers legends such as Mort Crim, Bill Bonds, and “the MFIC“¹ up close and in-person. Just typing these words has the beautiful voice of Ernie Harwell floating around in my mind.

This year’s spring training probably won’t happen. World Wars and Covid didn’t cause the cancelation of an MLB baseball season, but it’s relatively common for labor strife to do so.

Spring Training with John

However, Painting with John Season 2 WILL premier on February 18, so I will turn my attention there.

Many Canadians are likely reading this while doing their stretching, limbering up before heading out to shovel another two or three feet of snow from their driveway. It’s quite similar to the annual workouts that baseball players engage in. The difference is that Spring Training is about 6 weeks, and a Canadian winter is about 6 months.

Spring training for Painting with John is not mandatory, but it is a good idea. Season 1 episodes were only around 20 minutes long, but they are rich and dense viewing. One episode equates to enough thought-provoking material for 3 or 4 university-level lectures.

To get into shape for Season 2 of Painting with John, I have decided to rewatch all of Season 1 again.

Below are my thoughts on Season 1 Episode 1.

In episode one of season one of Painting with John, there’s an image of a sunset. John Lurie asks us to write a poem about it as if we are all Leonard Cohen. Earlier in the episode, Lurie was brave enough to say that “Bob Ross was wrong. Not everyone can paint.” But here he is thinking we are all wordsmiths.

Well, Mr. Lounge Lizard. I’m gonna prove to you and everyone reading this that I am no poet:

There’s a bomb in the sky, the beach has sand
Sunsets are a brand, the laughter is canned
My writing is dung, just like the words sung by Neil young
Go ahead and set you stupid sun, I’m gonna have some fun
Tiananmen Square is where the Red army marches
Sunsets use the same colors as the Golden Arches
my terrible sunset poem

I suppose we’ve all been brainwashed into believing sunsets are beautiful. In other words, Sunsets© have created a strong brand. But they’re not beautiful. Sunsets are the end. The end of the day. We should not get all lovey-dovey when we see them. We should vote against them or vote thumbs down or something.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan (the good one)

Hunter S. Thompson vs. The Moon

One of Ralph Steadman’s paintings of Hunter S. Thompson

I recall reading Hunter Thompson describing being wiped out, outdoors with a sword, swinging a katana at the moon. The big glowing rock in the sky had seriously wounded Dr. Gonzo, and it would have to pay. The lone swordfighter, terrestrially bound, fighting a heavenly body.

“You son of a bitch! How dare you come out here and mock me, all of us, every goddamn night!”
Something Hunter S. Thompson might have written

The sun mocks us on an even grander scale than the moon. It knows we are nothing without it. The great explosion in the sky, the great big bomb in the sky is holding four aces, and has a couple more up it’s sleeve. Every night is more or less a nuclear winter. We ought to hate sunsets.

Each one is a recreation of the Doors song The End, only on a galactic level. But branding made us believe that sunsets are beautiful, even romantic.

The Olympics Don’t Impress Detroit Much

After the episode of Painting with John finished, I scanned through the channels. The snowboarders were on again, getting Big Air at The Olympics. Nuclear cooling towers were prominent in the background. Where there’s smoke there is fire, and where there are cooling towers there is a nuclear explosion, a little sun.

The entire spectacle looked like a version of Detroit at its nadir, only for spoiled rich white kids instead of Black people with soul. Years ago, Dick Valentine sang matter-of-factly “they can’t kill Detroit”. The Big Dick was right, and he was right to sing it matter-of-factly, too.

The whole thing made me envision Hunter in the great outdoors doing battle with an Olympic flag. Instead of a Samurai sword, he had a set of Ginsu Steak Knives he bought from an infomercial, along with Voice of Chunk.

Dope, Greed, and Corruption or Faster, Higher, Stronger?

Instead of the pernicious moon, the Olympic flag rages in the sky. It’s rings signify Dope, Greed, and Corruption instead of Faster, Higher, Stronger. Hunter is our man taking on the hypocrisy, all alone, but representing the 99%.

That’s enough training for one evening. I’ll probably head to bed and fall asleep watching Repo Man, a movie about the bomb, a sunset, The End. Or is it…

Tomorrow’s Training:

Tomorrow’s training shall include reading On Photography by Susan Sontag, with special emphasis placed on the chapter The Image-World.

_{¹ “Years later, in 1973, Detroit would elect its first African-American mayor, Coleman Young, who ran a campaign on social justice and black power. He famously kept a placard on his desk that read “M.F.I.C.” — short for “Motherfucker in charge.” He even once greeted reporters from Hawaii by saying, “Aloha, motherfuckers!” Young went on to serve five terms.”} _{^{https://www.metrotimes.com/detroit/detroit-and-the-word-motherfucker-a-brief-history/Content?oid=19249813}}

*Featured image is Stanza looking at a picture of himself painted by Mark Seabrook. Bottom image is a drawing by David Byrne.

11 Freedom Convoy Stories You May Have Missed

Before we get started please allow me to give thanks to David Letterman and The Onion for inspiration. Also, it might be a good idea to listen to Gridlock by Electric Six while catching up on “the news”. Stay Safe.

11 Michigan Governor Offers Free Red Wings Tickets to Any Truckers Who Leave the Protest Peacefully

“Somebody’s got to be the adult in the room.”

Governor Whitmer explained: “If there’s one thing Canadians can’t resist, it’s hockey. It’s their catnip. They’re building a bridge linking Ontario and Michigan and naming it after a hockey player. Heck, the Leafs are even in town on the 26th.”

10 Dave Grohl Offers to Drive Trucks During Protests

“When I found out that the amount of goods crossing the border daily here was the same as my net worth, I HAD to do something,” says the omnipresent drummer, famous for being in corporate rock outfits such as Nirvana and Foo Fighters.

“I’m always ready to pick up a shift when someone calls in sick,” said the drummer. “Kurt would have been here too”.

A Blu-ray, vinyl, expanded box set, action figure, and more collectibles are in the works.
It remains unclear as to whether Dave Grohl or Justin Trudeau has nicer hair.

9 US Congress Applauds Truckers

“They’re still moving trucks across the Ambassador Bridge at warp speed, compared how much we get done,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell. “And let me be perfectly clear, I have nicer hair than Justin Trudeau.”

“I’m twice the Prime Minister’s age and still have better hair.”

8 Netflix Plans “B. J. And the Bear” Reboot, Auditions Chimpanzees

Insiders say Justin Trudeau is the frontrunner to assume the lead role of B.J., made famous by TV heartthrob Greg Evigan (seen above with beloved “Bear”.)

“It will be good to get behind the wheel of a Kenworth and show Trump how it is done.” said the Prime Minister. It remains unclear as to whether the actor or the actor has nicer hair.

7 Bills Coach Admires Truckers’ Ability to “Stop Forward Progress”

Buffalo Bills' Coach Sean McDermott — “Josh Allen definitely has better hair than Justin Trudeau.” – Sean McDermott

“We couldn’t shut down the Chiefs for 12 seconds. These guys have shut down the border for days” said Bills Coach Sean McDermott.

The Coach went on to say “I haven’t seen this sort of domination since Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain days.”

6 Bigfoot Sightings Now More Common than Trudeau Sightings

It remains unclear as to whether Sasquatch or Canada’s Prime Minister has nicer hair.

5 Biden Tells Canada to “Knock it off with the Malarkey”

4 Trucker Earns Bachelor of Science Degree During Border Blockade

Refusing to sit idly by while trucks around him idle, a trucker has completed his BSc while simultaneously participating in the Freedom Convoy.

The multitasker explained: “I just want something to fall back on in case shutting down the economy so we can get back to work doesn’t pan out.”

“It’s like having a spare tire, eh? You hope you never need it, but you are glad you have it when you do. Besides, I don’t have the right hair or last name to be Prime Minister.”

3 Bell Stands by Let’s Talk Initiative Despite PM’s Refusal to Do the Same

“Let’s talk business and food.” – Neil Hamburger

2 Trudeau Set to Unveil New Convoy Tax, Citing Science Table

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau once again championed the legislation, known formerly as Bill 401. “Science has shown us that the only way to end these disruptions is by putting a price on protests.”

1 World Has Second Thoughts about “Needing More Canada”

RE: Writer Perry King sees Toronto through community sports

The following is a kneejerk response to an article I recently read. The article’s purpose was to promote a book written by a local author, which is great. It also triggered me in a good way, which is also great. I’ve checked the ebook out of Toronto Public Library and maybe I will post again after I finish reading it.

It sounds like the book looks at where public money goes in terms of funding infrastructure for sports, and that old white money gets funding, while others do not. Hockey arenas get built, but basketball courts and cricket pitches get neglected.

From what I gather, the focus of the book is that sports can build communities, improve economic opportunities, and basically be a force for good. It’s like funding the arts: it is a good investment.

Anyway, thanks certainly go out to Perry King for writing the book in the first place. It’s called Rebound, and is available from Coach House Books.

Here’s my pre-read rant/response to the article.

Stop gun violence? Maybe “bribe” hoods by saying “turn in 50 handguns, and we’ll build a new basketball court”.

The Pan Am Games cost Ontario $2.5 Billion¹. I am sure they were “sold” to the public with false claims of building the infrastructure discussed in the article (and housing!), but what they amounted to was a very expensive traffic jam.

The infrastructure highlight from that amounts to a hiking trail that was a pet project of Kathleen Wynne. Miss Wynne earmarked $2.5 million for the Pan Am/Parapan Am Trails.

How many basketball courts could have been built with $2.5 Billion, or even $2.5 million for that matter?

And if we’re going to be discussing billions of dollars, Toronto, and building communities, surely Rogers must be brought into the discussion.

Rogers is based in Toronto, and generally reports profits of about $1 Billion/quarter.² So they’ve got some serious stakes in the game.

Rogers infamously paid $5.232 billion for the rights to point cameras at millionaires sitting on a bench and spitting on ice. Surely a Toronto-based company with that sort of spare change can, and should, “give back to the community by giving back to the community”.³

And let’s not forget that Rogers bought what was formerly known as SkyDome for less than nickels on the dollar. Literally. The dome was financed mostly through public money and cost around $570 million to build, but Rogers picked it up for about $25 million.

In effect, Rogers was given over half a Billion dollars in corporate welfare when they “purchased” SkyDome. How many basketball courts could that kind of money build?

For perspective, Rogers also owns the Blue Jays, and currently pays their center fielder $29 million/year or so.4 I suspect you could cover the outfield of Rogers Centre with $29 million worth of basketballs quite easily.

And just imagine what $29 million could do for an “at-risk neighbourhood”, especially when you consider that the federal government thinks investing $1 million will revitalize Little Jamaica!⁵

Also consider that the current mayor of Toronto has a very long and cozy relationship with Rogers. As a matter of fact, Toronto’s mayor is currently still on the Rogers’ payroll and apparently takes home a cool $100K/year while sitting as mayor. That’s in addition to the nearly $200K/year or so in public money that he receives as mayor.⁶

Toronto’s current mayor was infamously accused of taking a day off of his duties as mayor to referee a very public family dispute within the Rogers family.⁷ Something tells me that “building basketball courts” rarely appears on his “to-do list”.

This is the sort of think I expect to read about in Rebound. Let me dive in and get back to you…

^{(Author photo by Jalani Morgan)}

1^{https://nationalpost.com/news/politics/audit-reveals-pan-am-games-were-342m-over-budget-but-ontario-still-paid-5m-in-performance-bonuses}

^{2 https://investors.rogers.com/financials/financial-reports/}

^{3 this is a Jello Biafra quote. i thought it was from his spoken word piece entitled Rob Now, Pay Later but i was wrong. Regardless, the words for Rob Now, Pay Later are worth repeating here:}
^{“Some day even the experts will figure out that crime is not caused by rap music, or even my music!, but by a power structure of self-absorbed property owners so brain dead and stupid they won’t even see that if you’re too damn greedy to pay taxes for schools and services, they’re not going to be any good anymore! And that uneducated time bombs are a very poor investment as a future work force. And if you go on teaching people that life is cheap, and leave them to rot in ghettos and jails, they may one day feel justified in coming back to rob and kill you. Duh!”}

^{4 https://www.spotrac.com/mlb/toronto-blue-jays/payroll/}

^{5 https://dailyhive.com/toronto/toronto-neighbourhood-revitalization-little-jamaica-eglinton}

^{6 https://torontosun.com/opinion/columnists/furey-tory-made-almost-700k-from-rogers-while-mayor-talk-about-an-optics-problem}

^{7 https://toronto.ctvnews.ca/martha-rogers-calls-out-john-tory-over-claim-rogers-dispute-only-occupies-spare-time-1.5641226}

Do you believe in Painting with John? YES!

On Feb. 22, 1980, when the United States Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviet Union, Al Michaels famously said, asked, and proclaimed all at once with the words “Do you believe in miracles? YES!” Mr. Michaels summed up the 80s, even before they happened. The 80s lifted America and the world up from a horrendous economy, oil embargos, hostage situations, and bloated, repulsive rock and roll.

2022 is also an Olympic year. The economy is in tatters, cancel culture wants to do away with oil, a virus has been holding the world hostage for years, and bloated, repulsive, Dave Grohl is everywhere.

So maybe, just maybe, John Lurie returning to the screens of people with fine taste everywhere in the form of Painting with John Season 2 will be the equivalent of those words that America’s best sportscaster said at Lake Placid 42 years ago. Maybe.

Consider this: in Douglas Adams’ 1979 novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the “ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything”. Furthermore, Jackie Robinson wore #42.

Here’s hoping that Lurie can “pull a Michaels” and pull us all out of this cruddy situation.

The new season of Painting with John premieres February 18 AT 11 PM.

Yuletide Tunes

Driving Home for Christmas might be my favourite Christmas song, even though I don’t drive, don’t have a home to go back to, and most certainly don’t care about Christmas. Anyway, I heard the Chris Rea staple early this year, on The Big Band Show with Glen Woodcock of all places. On top of that, I heard Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses a full 12 days before St. Nick does his thing. It feels like I opened all my presents a couple of weeks early!

“So what can a poor boy do?“¹ On one hand, that means there’s nothing left to wait for, so how am I supposed to have a Holly, Jolly Christmas? On the other hand, it frees me up to take a deep dive into Christmas music I can not only tolerate but actually like.

So let’s take a trip and explore a little Christmas music that isn’t dreadful, shall we?

First Stop, Germany: Willkommen und Frohe Weihnachten

Germany is known for lots of great music, there can be no doubt. Kraftwerk immediately springs to mind, of course, but there’s also Bowie’s astounding Berlin Trilogy, and Iggy Pop’s Lust for Life and The Idiot. And of course, The Reeperbahn is where it first came together for The Beatles.

Ja, das ist gut, nein?

So many of today’s Christmas traditions started in Germany, and with an avalanche of great popular music coming out of Germany, there surely there must be some fine Christmas songs by fine German artists, right? Of course, there is!

Here are Deutschland legends Heino and james last serving up a holiday feast of happiness. Prost!

Heino!

Hansi!

Next up: Memphis and The King

In America, places like Motown, Nashville, and New Orleans are musical Meccas. But The King lived in Memphis, of course, and he recorded many great Christmas songs. Graceland might as well be Jerusalem for many people.

Blue Christmas, It’s Christmas Time Pretty Baby, and Here Comes Santa Claus are all exemplary Elvis. The King wasn’t messing around with deep-fried birds. He did Christmas right! Be sure to check out Elvis’ gospel recordings if you want to do Christmas up all legit-like.

On It’s Christmas Time, Pretty Baby, Elvis sounds as ferocious as The Who at their most explosive, as intense as Dead Kennedys at their peak, and as maniacally focused as The Stones on Paint It Black. This ain’t no Holiday in Cambodia, this is Christmas with The King!

A Merry Michigan Christmas to you too!

I have spent a lot of time in Michigan and it always feels like home. The sad truth though is that I’ve never made it up to Frankenmuth to experience it all, not even Bronner’s, the world’s largest year-round Christmas ornament and décor store. I have, however, enjoyed a fine time at the Dakota Inn Rathskeller in Detroit, so please don’t put me on the naughty list quite yet.

While Berry, Smokey, and the incredible Motown team at Hitsville USA isn’t turning out the hits Henry Ford style anymore, in more recent years two newer Detroit legends have gifted us a couple of fine Christmas covers.

Goober & The Peas – Snoopy’s Christmas

Back in 1992 Goober & The Peas put out an entire Christmas ep. It was beautiful, just like Christmas ought to be. One of the tracks is a heavenly gospel/country ditty entitled Tell The Lord (What Santa’s Done). More appropriate for this line of listening (inquisition?) is their cover of Snoopy’s Christmas. Besides, the late great Ernie Harwell is featured on that gem. So don’t just stand there like a house by the side of the road and watch it go by. Take a listen. Please. For Goob.

Electric Six – The Grinch Thing

And of course the hardest working band in not only the virtual world but also the real one, Electric Six does a marvelous job with a cover of You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch. Electric Six is from Detroit and has seen their city come back from the dead countless times. Electric Six has reason to turn to the Grinch side, but they never do, because tomorrow is always Easter when you live in The D. “They can’t kill Detroit”.

All you Lucy Liu’s, and Cindy-Lou Who’s, you know what to do.

Don’t Be a Grinch – Give It up for Iggy and Big Gretch!

Before we leave The Great Lakes State, and because we talked about Iggy a bit earlier, be sure to check his version of White Christmas. I just discovered it recently, and it is most certainly interesting. Go ahead, click Santa. He likes it!

Maybe for Christmas we can get to see The Godfather of Punk singing a duet of his smash hit Candy with Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer.

How about it, Big Gretch?

Across the Pond, Mark E Smith Was Practically Father Christmas

The Fall’s No Christmas for John Quays reminded us that “The X in X-mas is a substitute crucifix for Christ”. The song has been a yuletide staple for decades now, even if some would have all copies thrown on the yuletide log. No matter.

Fall frontman Mark E Smith was a Christ-like figure to many. “If there was a holy grail, Mr. Smith would be the only one allowed to pick it up” is how he was greeted on Granada TV back in 1988. Again, no matter. Mark E never came across like he thought he was Bono or even Christ. Mr. Smith did leave us with at least 9 Christmas songs though.

Anyway, I still believe in Santa Clause, even if Chico Marx doesn’t. Enjoy your cookies and shot of rum instead of milk, Santa Baby. I heard cows are bad for the environment, and Rudolph is driving anyway, hence the hooch.

Jingle Cats Are Here to Save Christmas!

There’s a pretty good chance that none of the above appeals to you. That’s fine, of course, but it’s also great to make as many people happy as possible, especially at this time of year. Towards that end I offer you Jingle Cats!

As Ernie Harwell said in the aforementioned Goober & The Peas song:

“Merry Christmas, Mein Friends!”

¹ Sorry, Mick!

Sleepless in Toronto

(editors note: To skip to the part of this post pertaining to sleep aids and help with insomnia, click here. To read about “Leslieville Lenny” click here)

I went over to Leslieville to meet an old friend for a couple of drinks on Friday. He’d been suffering from terrible insomnia and we both needed the company. For me the commute is about an hour long and covers 11 km. On this trip it involved two buses, a subway train, and a streetcar. The picture above was taken while on a streetcar on Queen Street, just east of Broadview.

The route I take is basically an L, travelling south on Yonge Street and then east on Queen Street. The transfer at Yonge and Queen is at street level, in a concrete canyon that is bordered by the Eaton Centre on the north and The Bay on the south. This picture was taken there:

Before We Get to Ideas for Help with Insomnia

With the scent of cheese, pasta, and chicken fajitas in the air and the Raptors game on the big and numerous TVs, we got down to the business at hand. In addition to sleeping disorders, we also researched what college football game looked most intriguing for the following afternoon.

The (13) Auburn Tigers @ (14) Texas A&M Aggies looked like the best bet. It wasn’t. We also agreed that in a season of big upsets, there would likely be one. There were two in the top 10.

Just What Is an Aggie, Anyway? And What Does A&M Stand For?

As Canadians, those two questions are pretty sure to be asked whenever anything involving Texas A&M comes up. I can never seem to commit it to memory, so I did a quick Google while my friend was outside enjoying a fine tobacco product. He did the same thing while outside. Along the way I found some mind-blowing stats. There are about 70,000 students who attend Texas A&M, tuition is around $20,000, and the midsize campus is about 1/3 the size of Manhattan.

But to answer those critical questions, here are the answers, straight from the Texas A&M website:

“Agricultural and Mechanical, originally, but today the letters no longer explicitly stand for anything.”
“An Aggie is a student at Texas A&M. In the early 1900s, Texas A&M students were referred to as “Farmers.” The term Aggie began to be used in the 1920s, and in 1949, when the yearbook changed its name from The Longhorn to Aggieland, Aggie became the official student body nickname.”

Sleep Aids! Who’s Got ‘em? Who Needs ‘em?

When we finally got down to business, I didn’t have a good answer for what I use as a sleeping aid. Perhaps therapy helped with my insomnia, perhaps not. I’ve always had trouble sleeping, even as a young child. My sister used to yell at me to go to sleep from her room across the hall.

In college, the person living in the apartment next to me had a supply of Nytol. As I recall Nytol helped me get my Z’s, but I only used it a couple of times, and not since those days. I want to sleep, not kill myself.

I also mentioned that watching reruns of television shows looped helped me sleep. Familiar voices and all that. As my dad used to say, “TV is the greatest sleeping pill ever invented“.

Reading can also work on occasion, but after a few nights of no sleep, reading isn’t really someone one is capable of at any level. However, if you are in the mood for reading, there’s a recent article in the NY Times that may interest you entitled Did Covid Change How We Dream? It takes about an hour to read, so grab a blankie…

After Sleeping on It…

I had a couple of other ideas and thoughts for my sleep-deprived comrade:

Carb Coma?
I used to keep a pot of rice in the fridge. Not for a sleep aid, but for a snack. I thought it might be healthier than junk food, and equally as quick. I take a little out of the pot, nuke it for a minute, and blammo! Just brown rice and margarine, and often that puts me out. I’ve also used oatmeal, but rice is much more pleasant.

If I were a Texas A&M alumnus, I might say postprandial somnolence instead of “carb coma”.

Herbal Tea?
In later years of college I would complain to Michelle that I couldn’t sleep and that I need a bottle of sleeping pills. She’d shake her fist at me and say “I’ve got your bottle of sleeping pills right here!”She was joking, of course, and would often brew me a cup of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea. There are lots of varieties of herbal teas and even store brands out there. I still use herbal tea as a sleep aide from time to time.

Melatonin Supplements?
Melatonin is a hormone that is made by your brain. It helps to regulate sleep, in that your brain makes produces more melatonin when it is dark, and less when it is light. It’s basically your brain synchronizing your wake/sleep patterns with the sun. Melatonin supplements are available over-the-counter in Canada and the US.

It’s Getting Late, so until next Time…

On the way home from Leslieville there was a man on the streetcar walking up and down the aisle trying to sell uncooked roasts. He had them cradled inside his jacket and would be certain to make eye contact with whoever he offered them to. His voice was soft, as if he were pleading. “Half price?” Maybe he had a child who planning on attending Texas A&M in the fall and this was a side-hustle to work up tuition.

The beef salesman reminded me of a hilarious character from the old TV show Good Times named Lenny. Lenny wore a full-length fur coat and would open it to show off his wares, everything from electronics to medical supplies. His sales pitch was always in the form of a rhyme. With a hustle like that he must have ended up owning Chicago!

See Lenny in action for yourself here:

“Leslieville Lenny” had me remembering other unusual purchasing opportunities I had seen, and that was going to be the subject of this post. Oh well, maybe next time.

PS The Raptors dropped a close one at home.

PPS Texas A&M defeated Auburn. Elsewhere, the #3 ranked Michigan State Spartans were upset by unseeded Purdue Boilermakers. Before the MSU game, Purdue had also defeated the Iowa Hawkeyes, who were ranked #2 at the time.

Next week Purdue is in Columbus to take on the #6 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes, so Boiler Up!