Before we get started please allow me to give thanks to David Letterman and The Onion for inspiration. Also, it might be a good idea to listen to Gridlock by Electric Six while catching up on “the news”. Stay Safe.
11 Michigan Governor Offers Free Red Wings Tickets to Any Truckers Who Leave the Protest Peacefully
Governor Whitmer explained: “If there’s one thing Canadians can’t resist, it’s hockey. It’s their catnip. They’re building a bridge linking Ontario and Michigan and naming it after a hockey player. Heck, the Leafs are even in town on the 26th.”
10 Dave Grohl Offers to Drive Trucks During Protests
“When I found out that the amount of goods crossing the border daily here was the same as my net worth, I HAD to do something,” says the omnipresent drummer, famous for being in corporate rock outfits such as Nirvana and Foo Fighters.
“I’m always ready to pick up a shift when someone calls in sick,” said the drummer. “Kurt would have been here too”.
A Blu-ray, vinyl, expanded box set, action figure, and more collectibles are in the works.
It remains unclear as to whether Dave Grohl or Justin Trudeau has nicer hair.
9 US Congress Applauds Truckers
“They’re still moving trucks across the Ambassador Bridge at warp speed, compared how much we get done,” said Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell. “And let me be perfectly clear, I have nicer hair than Justin Trudeau.”
8 Netflix Plans “B. J. And the Bear” Reboot, Auditions Chimpanzees
Insiders say Justin Trudeau is the frontrunner to assume the lead role of B.J., made famous by TV heartthrob Greg Evigan (seen above with beloved “Bear”.)
“It will be good to get behind the wheel of a Kenworth and show Trump how it is done.” said the Prime Minister. It remains unclear as to whether the actor or the actor has nicer hair.
7 Bills Coach Admires Truckers’ Ability to “Stop Forward Progress”
“We couldn’t shut down the Chiefs for 12 seconds. These guys have shut down the border for days” said Bills Coach Sean McDermott.
The Coach went on to say “I haven’t seen this sort of domination since Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain days.”
6 Bigfoot Sightings Now More Common than Trudeau Sightings
It remains unclear as to whether Sasquatch or Canada’s Prime Minister has nicer hair.
5 Biden Tells Canada to “Knock it off with the Malarkey”
4 Trucker Earns Bachelor of Science Degree During Border Blockade
Refusing to sit idly by while trucks around him idle, a trucker has completed his BSc while simultaneously participating in the Freedom Convoy.
The multitasker explained: “I just want something to fall back on in case shutting down the economy so we can get back to work doesn’t pan out.”
“It’s like having a spare tire, eh? You hope you never need it, but you are glad you have it when you do. Besides, I don’t have the right hair or last name to be Prime Minister.”
3 Bell Stands by Let’s Talk Initiative Despite PM’s Refusal to Do the Same
2 Trudeau Set to Unveil New Convoy Tax, Citing Science Table
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau once again championed the legislation, known formerly as Bill 401. “Science has shown us that the only way to end these disruptions is by putting a price on protests.”