Major League Barkley (MLB)

The Toronto Blue Jays are so bad right now that it is safe to say that they probably caused a nationwide internet outage on Friday July 8, 2022. I live in Toronto, so I follow Toronto sports teams. I have no choice.

I do not suffer Stockholm Syndrome, so I find the current Jays’ dismay to be quite entertaining.

Let me explain:

The company that owns them owns the media, Canada’s equivalent of the FCC, and just about every national politician of import. As a Canadian, giving money to that massively powerful company is on par with breathing. So long as I am alive, I will be doing it. And being alive is a relative term these days.

Charlie Watts was unavailable so we got…

And as far as the Toronto Blue Jays themselves, I think they have lost 22 of their last 20 games played. That’s not a typo: this over-hyped team has found a way to lose more games than they play. There’s a plaque ready to be hung in Cooperstown.

“I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on the drum all day!”

On the day of this writing, the Jays fired their manager, Charlie Montoyo. Montoyo seems like a great guy, and allegedly had bongo drums in his office. That’s pretty cool, but I’m not so sure that being a percussionist for The Rolling Stones was ever a transferrable skill for managing a “professional” sports team.

Exhume Billy Martin?

Chatting with my amigo in the aftermath, I said that the immensely talented players who make up the Blue Jays need a harsh hand, a drill instructor of sorts. My kneejerk reaction was to exhume Billy Martin, but I’m not sure that that technology exists yet, no matter the miracles that ABBA is working over in Europe.

Billy and Mr. October.

Charles Barkley should be the next skip of the Jays!

I have no idea if Montoyo was ever called Chuck, but thinking of his replacement, and thinking of Billy, my analytics kicked in and I had the idea that Sir Charles himself, Charles Barkley should be the next skip of the Jays.

John Lennon reminded us all to imagine, so just imagine Coach Barkley:

  • Imagine 50 thousand people all losing their mind by Chuck simply walking out of the dugout
  • Imagine Barkley arguing a call with the home plate ump
  • Imagine the post-game press conferences
  • Imagine the fun

If you are lacking for imagination (the internet age seems to have that effect on people), let me rough sketch a picture:

Prior to a game, Barkley “gets into it” with a mascot. Words, and perhaps more, are exchanged, and Sir Charles must find a new kingdom to rule over for the next 9 innings.

Birds gonna be birds.

The post-game press conference:

Canadian media flunkie: “Charles, a video has emerged on twitter that seems to clarify what you said to the mascot. Do you recall saying:

“Hey, get off my baselines. Did I say you could be on my baselines? Who you think you are being on my field?”

Sir Charles: “I dunno, the bird was disrespecting me. There’s no place in the game for things like that. I worked too hard to get here to let something like that happen.”

Bring it on, Toronto. Major League Barkley!

Anyone else would be turrible.

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