If you’ve been waiting for a city bus in New York lately, Mayor Zohran Mamdani and Governor Kathy Hochul have some thrilling news for you. They’ve just announced a massive, multi-million-dollar plan to revolutionize NYC’s bus speeds. Governor Hochul is so enamored with the bus plan she boasts that “New York is in the midst of a transit renaissance”.
But before you get too excited, let’s look at the actual math.
If the buses now travel at 8 m.p.h. and Mamdani’s plan succeeds in making them travel 20% faster, then the buses will travel at 9.6 m.p.h. The subway will still be twice as fast at 18 m.p.h.
This is what socialists like Mamdani do: overpromise and underdeliver, spending mountains of money in the process. But oh, those gargantuan socialist smiles!
Welcome to the Luxury Transit Utopia
Perhaps Mr. Mamdani is confusing Manhattan Island with Fantasy Island, and considers himself a rebooted Mr. Roarke.
“Smiles everyone, Smiles!”
Because if we are going to spend nearly a billion dollars to hurtle down Flatbush Avenue at a blistering 9.6 miles per hour, the experience inside the bus needs to match the price tag. Calling a minusculely faster ride is just the beginning of the fantasy.
The Mamdani and Hochul administrations clearly understands that if you’re going to be stuck in traffic anyway, you deserve to do it in style. Every MTA vehicle will have seats upholstered with “fine Corinthian leather,“ all thanks to Rebooted Roarke!
No more sticky plastic or torn fabric – New Yorker’s daily commutes will now feature the supple texture of vintage luxury, perfectly curated for the modern straphanger.
The Breathtaking Upgrades
To justify this astronomical budget, the city isn’t just stopping at luxury upholstery. The plan boasts an array of dazzling, high-end features designed to make you forget you could literally jog faster than the B41:
- The 30-Tree Initiative: The plan promises to plant exactly 30 trees at bus stops. That is roughly six trees per borough. We can only assume these are rare, artisanal bonsai trees watered exclusively with premium sparkling water to match the transit budget.
- The Velvet Rope Each Bus will now feature a resident sommelier Boarding: By the time all-door boarding is fully implemented, you will no longer shuffle through the front door like a peasant. You will enter through the rear doors via a velvet rope, greeted by a bus operator acting as your personal transit concierge.
- Each Bus will now feature a resident sommelier to pair your morning coffee with the ambiance of express service. Transit police will be retrained as mindfulness coaches, helping you meditate through your 45-minute crosstown ride.
Lean Back and Enjoy the Ride
So smile, New Yorkers, smile! The next time your bus is crawling behind a double-parked box truck on Northern Boulevard, don’t look at your watch.
Just lean back into that rich, supple, Corinthian leather, close your eyes, and listen closely. If you strain your ears over the rumble of the idling engine, you might just hear Mayor Mamdani whispering from Gracie Mansion:
“Welcome to Fantasy Island. Smiles everyone! Smiles!”
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